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Friday, April 30, 2010

Body Transplant, Please

I'm not only aging, but it appears I am out of "the know."
"What?" my friend squealed as she rubbed her thumb viciously across the frown lines between my eyes. "You've never heard of Botox before? Oh, girl, you are so overdue!"

Since that day, whenever I look in the mirror, all that looks back at me are those deep furrows.
I frown at them, making them worse and soon find myself running to my computer to look up the word "botox." It's found under plastic surgery, along with a procedure called forehead lifts where they make an incision across the top of your head and literally pull your face back up into place. There is "dermabrasion" where a high speed sander grinds the wrinkles from your skin. Eyelid surgery removes excess bags. "That last one's for me," says another friend. "Lyposuction, I've had that on my neck!" says another. Where have I been while all this has beeen going on around me? And Botox? "Nothing to it," two of my buddies chide. "A needle goes in between your eyes to paralyze the muscle. Do this often enough and you'll never frown again!"

What's the fun in that, I wonder? How will I be able to threaten my kids with just the slide of an eyebrow- or show my husband it's time to quit chatting up that long, legged bimbo with her hand on his thigh NOW just by making my eyebrows touch in the middle?

I look my aging face over. She's right, though, the frown lines are deep enough to grow seeds in and the crow's feet look more like ostrich tracks. There's also a round mark on my forehead that the more I stare at, the uglier it becomes. I could have that lasered off, I'm told. Probably wouldn't cost as much as having those breasts readjusted or getting my ears pinned back.

My arguement is if I fix one thing,the other parts are going to look out of whack. I'll have a baby's bum forehead and a turkey neck. Besides, where do you start and where do you end?

I think I'll wait. And when I hit 80, I'll do a complete overhaul. "New body, please."
Body transplants. I'm sure they're the next thing. I should be able to afford one by then if I go without the Botox and face grinding now.

1 comment:

  1. AH, just love yourself the way you are. It's better anyways. Just look at Joan Rivers. YUK!