Friday, July 22, 2011
The Bearded Lady
Those wacky, weird things that take you on a free roller coaster ride once a month. The troublemakers that have you stuffing your pie hole with as many fattening things as you can find, while in the middle of a diet because you DESERVE IT GOD DAMN IT! When else would you ever get a desire to eat a bucket of greasy KFC even though you know what it will do to your cholesterol readings, to your butt, to your poor liver?
Hormones will cause alcohol cravings, especially when you're by yourself. And we're talking about the entire wine bottle plus possibly a second one being opened as you weep through The First Wives Club DVD or the like.
The binge-ing doesn't make you feel any better, but you can't seem to stop for any reason.
It is a time of ultimate non-sense. Literally.
It's pathetic. There's no control. No will power. No power at all. They turn you into a ragged doll.
Well, try that on a daily basis and then welcome to my new world.
Whatever is in this Zoladex and Tamoxifin has me trampolining up on highs and down on lows like an Olympic gymnast. I can go from joy to manic depression in the time it takes a bird to discover I just washed my car.
There isn't enough food in the fridge to satisfy me. I watch, defeated, as my waist spills over my waist band, while my dress gets snugger and the scale number increases.
The hot flashes continue as often as traffic light changes, but the good news is they have either leveled out or else I have simply gotten used to them? Like a tick in the corner of an eye, they get ignored. They are not important so why give them any credence? They've become the easiest part of all of this.
Sleep? What's that? Bedtime is more like a horizontal roller derby event. With absolutely no sex involved because who wants to do that? There is no libido. That went out with the chemo. And if I do participate in any mattress games, I am sore the next day from dryness. Add sperm retention to the drug's side effects. And I don't know about your man, but mine doesn't get happier when he's retaining. And if he's not happy, nobody is going to be happy. Ever, ever again.
And thinking this fun would have to have a limit, because, I mean, how much else can one take, I happened to look in a mirror.
Why do we do that?
No, not another nose growing. Not longer lashes but you're thinking along the right lines. More hair. But not on my head. I'm growing a beard, Ladies and Gentlemen. Step right up, get your tickets here to see the lovely bearded lady from Houston. Complete with side burns, neck fur and all.
This is silly. I can fix this. Its not the end of the world. I bought some facial wax because my girlfriend uses it. You heat it up, apply and pull off. Simple. So they say.
The smoke smell lasted three days in our kitchen and a week right inside of the microwave. Seems I got it a bit hot. I spread the wax on with a thin Popsicle stick and let it harden as recommended. Then you have to peel it back.Well Holy Mother. My face came off with each tug. Tears welled up, my body went into one long hot flash from the stress and my husband came home to ask what the heck was that smell?
And I still had to get the blob of wax, settled like caramel off of my jaw line.
"Just be a minute, Honey."
Off to the professional I go. For a cheek wax. That's about five times the area of the eyebrow waxing that I managed to live through once and never again. My eyebrows puffed out an inch from my head and stayed that way over 24 hours.
With a face job, you can see the new wrinkles form with each tug of the waxed strip they pull from your skin.
Owwwwwwwww. I've had tattoos that hurt less.
I would say this hurt even more than the partial mastectomy.
And in both incidences, at least I was offered drugs!
So, the next time you want to moan about your PMS symptoms because you're miserable and out of control- give me a call. I'll come over with some chocolate and my new waxing kit and we'll get you straightened out.
You'll feel nice and smooth when I'm done.
And guaranteed you won't feel like your hormone issues are any worse than the rest of ours!